I don’t know when I realized she was different. I watched my 4 year old play with an unknowable and unseeable friend, and I wondered why I had been in denial about it. Her father was, he refused to accept that Abby could see things- people- that weren’t there. He thought she was crazy. Post traumatic stress disorder he said. A result of our divorce. But what he failed to recognize was that the signs were there even when she was a baby. Her laughing at blank white walls and ceilings. Her handing toys to thin air and making the “up” sign when no one was in the same room with her. And her eyes were focused, she was not looking into blank space, she was seeing something… or someone.
Not too long ago, about a year, she asked me who Josie is. I dropped the plate I was holding in shock and disbelief. It shattered on the floor and scared both Abby and myself. There was no way a 3 year-old could know about it. I laughed it off after I caught my breath. “It’s ok honey, mommy has slippery hands,”. She didn’t bring Josie up again for a while after that. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I wondered who I could talk to. I wasn’t sure what I believed anyway. Was my child really playing with her dead sister?
Josie wasn’t my child, she was my husbands with his previous wife. She died from a fatal car accident at 5 years-old, the marriage between Albert and Jessica didn’t survive the ordeal. It was rough for him and he still wasn’t healed when he met me. But I knew I wanted him and I was willing to wait. We got married in Hawaii when I was 4 months pregnant. He was very nervous about having another child, especially a girl, and it was even harder on his ex-wife. I tried to be understanding, but for the three years we were married I regularly saw Jessica’s car on our street.
Al had a picture of Josie, but it was tucked away and I was pretty sure Abby had never seen it. And no one ever talked about her, so my shock at hearing her name come out of Abby was understandable. Al’s mother Aleta occasionally made comments in reference to Josie, but never said her name or anything direct.
“Don’t her eyes look so similar?” she asked once when Abby was about 2. I would smile even though it hurt. I wanted them to get over it and accept me and Abby for who we were and not long for a former life with a former child. I know he did. I know he cried in the shower sometimes. He had loved Jessica, but couldn’t live her pain. She neglected him and he had to do what was right for himself, but he tried. Jessica just wasn’t willing to let it go and move forward.
They had tried for another child but one never came. Al felt like Jessica blamed him which lead to resentment on his part. By the time they sought counseling the marriage was too broken to fix. Jessica was unwilling- or perhaps she just didn’t know how- to care for her husband the way he needed after the loss of their child. So they parted, and it wasn’t full of dramatics, it was quiet, the divorce was easy and he had still talked to her from time to time. I tried to be ok with it, but I refused to allow my life to revolve around it. I would not be miserable. I loved him, and his unresolved feelings were just a part of him I had to deal with and accept, even though it had been hard sometimes.
* * *
I carried the laundry basket down the hall towards Abby‘s room where she was quietly playing alone. I heard her chattering so I stopped in the hall outside her room. I tried to hear what she was saying, but couldn’t make out the words so I gently pushed the door open a little farther. She was playing on a mat on the floor with some dolls, her back to the door.
“I know but she likes the pink one,” she said to no one. “No, the blue one is not pretty enough. What?” She paused as though she was really listening. Then she slowly turned around and looked at me. “You can come in mommy. Josie say’s it ok if you want to play with us.”
I entered the room and set the laundry basket on the bed. I sat down on the floor next to her and picked up one of the dolls. “How did you know I was at the door honey? Did you hear me walking down the hall?”
“No,” she said without looking up from her doll. “Josie told me.”
“What did she- what did Josie say to you?”
“She said you looked like you wanted us to invite you to play with us.”
“Oh. Do you play with Josie a lot sweetie?”
“Yes.”
“How much?”
“Everyday. She said I shouldn’t talk about it because it will make daddy sad.”
“Did she, um, did she tell you why it would make daddy sad?” I kept looking at the doll, I made sure not to make eye contact with Abby. I was afraid of the conversation, but I needed to ask.
“No. But she told me she’s not a ghost.” I looked at her when she said this. I realized I had a shocked expression on my face, so I shook my head and smiled at Abby.
“Do you know what a ghost is?” I asked her. She stopped playing with her doll and looked at me.
“Not really. Josie said she lives in the neatest place and it’s not scary and it’s pretty all the time. And that ghosts don’t live where she lives. Ghosts live in the places that they died in.”
I swallowed hard. What was I supposed to do with this? On one hand I wished I could talk to Al about it, on the other, I was afraid of how he would take it. “That sounds right to me. Did Josie tell you anything else?”
“Yes, she told me she died. I asked her why she’s not a ghost then and she said because she didn’t want to stay and watch her mommy cry and not help her. So she went to the place she lives and grama was there and they play all the time.”
“Hmm. That’s very interesting. Does she tell you other stuff?”
“Yes but she doesn’t always talk to me.”
“What do you mean?”
“She shows me pictures in my head and sometimes I get feelings.”
“Well-”
“I know you want to leave the room now. It’s ok if you don’t want to play with us anymore mommy.”
I looked at her for a moment, kissed her on her head and stood up. I hoped she didn’t see my hands shaking, or see any anxiety in my face. I stopped, turned around at the door and looked at her. “I love you bug,” I said before I left the room.
“I love you too mommy,” she replied. She didn’t look up, she had already resumed playing with her doll.
I went downstairs and picked up the phone to call my best friend Amanda. She was a little more open minded and I hoped she might have some insight. I told her everything, from the beginning and she expressed her displeasure at not hearing about it sooner.
“You have a ghost in your house,” she said matter of fact.
“Why is my ex-husbands dead daughter haunting this house? Why wouldn’t she haunt her mom or her dad?”
“Because of the child” irritated by my ignorance. “Children’s minds are still open, they haven’t been closed by society, they are still connected the other side.” I couldn’t help but laugh, where was she coming up with this stuff? I asked her as much.
“I’ve done some reading on the subject. We should call an expert and see if we can get Josie to go back to the other side.”
“Oh but Josie told Abby that she was NOT a ghost, that she lives in a beautiful place and plays with her grama… That’s strange.” I stopped thinking about the conversation I had with Abby.
“What? WHAT?” Manda asked.
“Sorry, it’s just that I’m pretty sure Jessica’s mother is still alive, and I know Aleta, Al’s mom, is. But Josie told Abby that grama was there and they played all the time.”
“
Your mother is dead Sharon. She must have been talking about your mom.”
I instantly tensed up and became very uncomfortable with the conversation. I could feel my stress level rising. “What is going on here? What should I do? I mean, is Al right, is she suffering because of the divorce? Someone must have said something about Josie-”
“Shar, calm down. We’ll figure this out. There is nothing wrong with Abby.”
“But what if there is Manda? Should I take her to a counselor?”
“I don’t know if a counselor is what you need.”
“So what then?” I was starting to get a headache.
“Maybe you need a psychic.” I was quiet for a moment when she said it, then I hung up on her. It wasn’t intentional it was just pure reaction. A psychic. I mean, was she serious. I decided I would call her back later when I wasn’t feeling so stressed. In the meantime, I jumped on the internet and started a search for a good child psychologist.
